Believing in your Belief

On me bike in the playroom as you do

Tough, tough, tough few weeks in the Sutton household. Morale has teetered on low to dangerously low. Teeth have been gritted and words spoken in frustration that weren't needed. The smell of a grubby gym, ingrained sweat and blisters on my hands are all signs of a runner who has nothing to do,  but repeat endless strength work. Very soon if I cant get out of the gym I may actually find myself wearing a lycra one piece and turning up to body pump with Rick Ashton.

I  have made peace with my inability to run at the moment. In fact when I do try to do a few steps of jogging it feels quite alien to me. The ability to run long distances and run fast seems a mile a way from where I am now. This seems to be the minds way of coping with, what in my head, is a sort of bereavement. Denial of the injury at first, guilt, anger and eventually facing the fact that the one thing you really love doing you cant do. My mind has now taken the running me to the back of my conscious , occasionally to be painfully touched, but then pushed back again. So I have been focusing on what I CAN do. Gym challenges have taken over my training time.

 Do you know how much fun you can have doing endless squats, calf raises and single leg balances in an empty school gym all by yourself? Well you can! I am a person who is totally motivated by competition. So I have driven myself through this period setting myself challenges, falling over backwards trying to lift weights I shouldn't, doing press ups till I face plant and triceps dips till I fall through the stack. Seeing a stronger body emerge from what was really a very weak shell has been more satisfying than I could ever have imagined. 2 babies in 2 years left me chronically weak and this injury was only a matter of time happening. You cannot build a house on dodgy foundations. Too many people get injured and dont find the real root of their problem. Many runners tell me they have 'no time' for strength and conditioning work either they dont believe in it or miles are more important than muscles. Unless you are freakishly lucky you will get injured in your running career. I am absolutely certain that adding some core conditioning work into a programme  will save yourself heaps of heart ache and it will also very quickly highlight your weaknesses.

Gym bunny

Hitting a rehab programme hard takes some dedication, life can too easily get in the way and getting out the door to get to the gym is not easy when you have a troop of mini dwarfs following you everywhere, two of which insist on peeing and pooing everywhere and keeping you up half the night. But it is this dedication I know which will make me into the runner I want to be. I am sure once I am running again  I will gain my fitness back quicker by providing my heart and lungs with the soundest structure I can. Well this is what I have to tell myself. That all these hours of lonely work are worth something, that my dedication to this mini crusade will pay off, that one day I will be running again and these rather bleak days will be a thing of the past. You have to have faith like all things in life with the path you choose, be it smooth running or rather bumpy and that is half the battle in any challenge-keeping the faith.

So my mantra of 'belief' which I have used so powerfully over the past few years I have now employed in a new phase of my life. When I first had kids, I HAD to believe that the sleepless nights, the sore boobs, the saggy belly and endless nappy changes would end and they did. When I married my husband I had to believe that what we felt for each other was the real deal and this person was the man I wanted to be with for the rest of my life and he is. And so every time I toe a start line I have to belief that my body can do this. If you dont belief in yourself and the path you choose  it will be too easy to listen to those that 'cant' rather than those that 'do.'  So through this injury I have learnt not to listen to the negativity, remove those around you, who pull the 'pity' face when they see you and instead surround yourself with the Paul Navesey's of this world who can find joy at the bottom of a jar of a nutella (it means you get to start a new jar! Simple things). To believe that you will be healed and the joy you find in both life and running will be back sparkling and new again. 

So keeping the faith I am. Faith in my body and in my mind. Storing up every ounce of sweat, grunt, last rep in the gym till the minute I toe the start line again. And in the meantime I am enjoying spending more time at home, appreciating the smiles of my children, the early morning chats over tea with my husband and taking our new addition to 'puppy school.' There is always joy and faith to be found in life, it sometimes just takes a little time and belief to appear. 

The Wait

A snapshot of a new addition to our family!

I cried in the doctors surgery last week. Frustrated that after 4 weeks of limping around I am still yet to have any proper diagnosis of my injury. I am very lucky to have some financial support so have been able to fund some physio work, but after fainting when she tried to manipulate my foot the physio did the right thing and said I think you need a scan and an x ray now. I have seen three physios in the past month, each one prescribing something different, everyone has their own opinion and ideas. So I went to the doctor to get a GP referral letter for an MRI scan. How long will this take I ask? 6-8 weeks she said. But I can't carry on like this for another 2 months! I need to move for my job, I have two children under 3. I am a serious runner which is also partly my livelihood and I am in pain 24/7. I am having to get up at night to ice it or take pain killers. I am worried I am doing myself long term damage. Yes she replied, continuing to type in her computer, that's tough. I left in tears. This seemed so unfair here I am an athlete, a personal trainer, a mum, I spend everyday helping cut costs for the NHS by encouraging people to bring activity into their daily lives and no one will help me!

The last month has been so hard knowing my fitness has been creeping away, missing that feeling of running, moving, seeing the summer season and the harvest on late evening runs and  misty fresh mornings,with the promise of a glorious day ahead. No running means very little break from the kids, there are on me and at me from dawn to dusk. Some days I just want to hide behind the sofa. But slowly and almost noticeably I have come to turns with no running, and I think this is the first stage of healing. I can't run and I won't run till I can walk around for at least 10 days pain free.And so I realised as I walked out of doctors surgery nobody is going to heal this injury apart from me.

There is no quick fix, no wonder physio or amazing pill to take. I need time, patience and rest to get moving again.

So I have thrown myself at other projects that always get pushed aside when running takes over my being. I have finally got my web page up and running. (www.edwinasutton.com). I am building my personal training client base and have about 16 online athletes, who I love coaching, though am getting a little bitter that some are now faster than me! I am spending more time with the kids, not exhausted, but able to be a little more patient, a little more fun and a little more understanding to their needs. I have been riding my bike and swimming as much as I can plus spending the time I would be running in the gym, working on what was my epic weakness my core. After two babies in close succession I suffered from diastasis rectus, separated abdominals. At its worst I could almost fit a fist straight through the separation. I knew I was running on borrowed time with a weak core, but wanted to spend all my time getting the miles and quality sessions done not doing gym work and I am absolutely sure that is a large part of my injury. 

So, I have embraced my 'kids free' time in the gym. Not being able to put much weight through my foot means adapting and adopting some strange exercise techniques, but in a strange, cave woman sort of way I am starting to enjoy seeing the strength appear. Seeing a strong foundation being built, knowing this will half the time it takes me to get back to running fitness.

So whilst other things have been occupying my time I have found that I can live without running. As long as I get my shell sweating at least once a day I can feel 'exercised' and less like kicking the wall in. Running is an obsession of mine, but in order for me to come back and stay injury free I can see I mustn't let the mental side dictate what is sensible and reasonable to demand of my body. I can now see I don't need to run miles and miles to be strong,  actually by cutting out the running I have become stronger. Now for the tricky next few weeks whilst the injury plays less and less on my mind and I start to feel the itch to run again. But I wont. Who wants to talk to  a moaning injured runner, its so boring and its too tough on my poor husband who has to witness my epic tantrums and finally its no good for business no one wants to hire a limping, grumpy personal trainer.

Morale of this tale of woe so far is, listen to your body, feel a niggle, back off, rest, go to the gym, jump on your bike, lie on the sofa. Don't take it out on your loved ones when you are injured, they are your crew and your support without them you wont be running again they are the ones you need most now embrace the rest and the time with family, come back with new dreams, a fresh approach and maybe even a little idea of a new distance to tackle!

The Obstacle

Hello my name is Eddie, I'm a runner and I'm injured. I have finally faced the fact that finishing everyday hobbling, running in constant pain and eating painkillers in order to run is not healthy and not sustainable in the long run. 

From the middle of March, I have noted in my training plan- foot hurts. I carry on training, couple of days later, foot hurts more. And from then on every single session, the foot is mentioned. I had 2 weeks off before SDW 50 and ran that in pain, but it was manageable pain. After that I took another week off, got back to running, it was sore, but I wanted to get training again. I raced Wings for Life on road, it hurt, but I carried on. After Wings for Life I had an easy week, then ramped up training again. Holding high mileage week in week  out, 3 quality sessions, training like a pro, but running constantly in pain and not running to my potential because every step had to be managed. Why didn't I stop? So easy to say now. Why didn't I just stop the moment I felt the first twinge. Because part of what makes me a gritty and determined runner also makes me a stubborn and single minded athlete. I can take high levels pain, I can take high levels of pain for hours on end. I almost enjoy the painful part of racing and training, I live for the lactate burn....and so I don't accept my body being injured. I cannot accept that it is showing signs that I am over training, overstretching it.  I am completely focused on being the best runner I can be, plus working, looking after the kids, the house, I do not have time to rest and face the truth that this is going to end in tears. I push and I push until I crack. 

Sad hobbit foot

On my second recce weekend at the Lake District, having made it through one with the foot strapped, but feeling every flex of the foot over the rocks, I go over on my ankle and almost feel the plantar fascia give one big sigh and finally just give up on me. The pain is now at a new limit. We get round the course, but my ankle is pretty swollen and descending brings tears to my eyes. I refuse to acknowledge it. Don't even look at my foot, for fear of what I see, I set out the next day to cover the last 16 miles and I cant even bend the foot. I cant get any flexion off the floor and am grimacing in pain. My husband is concerned. This is real now, I cant hide anymore. I have to stop. I stop. I sit on the floor and weep. Knowing that its my fault. I wanted this so badly I have run myself into the ground. 

I have never been injured. I have never had to cope with the disappointment of missing a large block of training or a big race. I have pushed my body training for triathlons to the absolute limit. But when I was training for Ironman I had rest. I slept. I had lie ins. I had time to stretch, to warm up and cool down well. I had time to listen to my body. My life now has become so hectic, rushing from this to that, a constant background noise of other things needing to be done. My training happens, but it means very limited rest, recovery and down time, vital components of a programme when you are working hard. So in some ways this was a train crash waiting to happen. 

Wonderful service at Profeet,
showing me how to tape my foot
and checking my trainers and gait 

So, 3 weeks no running, after 10 days I tried a jog, felt ok, but not entirely pain free, the next day I tried another jog, I tried to pick the pace up a little bit, felt ok, pick the pace up a little more, just try a mile rep, see if its ok. Felt ok. Try another one. Starting to hurt now, stop now, just do one more, might as well finish the set (you see where this is going). End of the session. Hobble home. Next day, running client at 6am, cant get to clients house because the foot is so sore. Am so angry with myself. Am I learning nothing . I refuse to be one of those athletes who is constantly injured, comes back to training, gets injured again. I am not that person. So I have a self inflicted ban in place now. Not a step of running until I can feel no pain in the foot. Not a step of running until I can go about my daily life without 'feeling' the foot. And when that moment comes I will give myself time to build back into running. Running may rule my life, but it will not dictate my health and happiness anymore, that is my responsibility.

The pain face, Nice.

Many many tears have been shed. Not for the injury really itself, but for the disappointment in myself, why didn't I just rest when I felt the pain? Why didn't I do more rehab work? Why this and why that? Many whys of which I cant answer. But what I can answer is my need to get stronger. The need to improve my functional strength, my resistance to injury and holding form whilst fatigued. I can still do all this. I can swim and bike, I can swim and bike hard. I can match the sessions I would have been doing running. Its fun being back in the pool and on the bike. Its fun training with new people and using different muscle groups. 

This battle is not one which will be rewarded by a trophy, a course record, a flurry of twitter followers, it will be won by a quiet, steely determination. Hours of listening and working with my body, not against. Not punishing it for showing weakness, but working with it, using my inner strength to scaffold a structure of formidable mental and physical strength. Or as my husband says, its just a foot injury, get over yourself and come back stronger! 

Picture by James Eric Elson

So I am using every ounce of my positive self talk to remain optimistic. I am working harder than ever in the gym. I am using the time to make sure I rest a little more, I am trying to smile when inside I am crying a little, I am trying to not let my life revolve around my foot. I am more than that. I will not spend another 4 months in pain ever again. I will show my foot who is boss. I will have abs of steel that could climb 5,000m by themselves. And then once my body is strong, I will begin to plan again. I will never run the miles I just have without adding in some cross training, without adequate gym work and without listening to when I am tired and need to rest. I think I got a little lost in my running, in my need to achieve and to prove myself, but I'm finding my way out again.

 

The Fear

I am just back from an amazing three days of running with The Centurion Team. I covered 59 miles, climbed a lot, ran down hills a lot, laughed too much, ate even more and spent some real quality time with the amazing Debbie (http://debsonrunning.blogspot.co.uk/) Martin -Consani who I am just in awe of (she carries lipgloss in her running pack whilst smashing apart 100mile races) and Danny Kendall the coolest and fastest GB man in the desert having recently finishing 4th at the MdS. Esteemed company.

The trip  was a chance for the Centurion Team to get together and for those of us who are racing over Lakeland 50 and 100 to recce the course. My idea of heaven, running, friends, tea on tap and hills out the back door. I am very much at the lower tier of the Centurion running pile and still feel that I need to earn my place amongst such athletes. These guys and gal are epic, I spend most of my day to day life cleaning porridge off the floor and making cars out of sofa cushions, sometimes it feels so surreal to have to switch to the part of me that runs till I cant run anymore.

On the Friday James, Paul, Robbie and I ran the 3rd leg of the Bob Graham round. Saturday we ran from Pooley Bridge to Ambleside and by about 2hrs into this run I started panicking. We were running super easy, but my legs were feeling it. I was scared.

In my head, I composed an e mail to James Elson (team manager at Centurion) telling him that I was really sorry, but I was withdrawing from the Lakeland 50.  In my head, I would get to the opening gambit....Hi James, really sorry but I am not going to run in the British Trail Champs because...and that is where I got stuck. Why wasn't I going to run? I have a niggly injury which I can manage. I am getting the miles in. I am coping with the exhaustion of the miles and the kids. What excuse can I use to withdraw from this race? Whats the truth?



'Hi James, really sorry I am not going to run because I am scared. I'm scared of the pain I know I am going to inflict on myself over that course. I'm scared of how every single step is going to be an effort. I am scared of all that climbing, I am even more scared of the descending. In short, I'm scared.'



But on the third day out on the course the fear turned into something else. I began to find my lakes feet a little more. The uphills weren't quite so daunting, the downhills not quite so steep. The hand that had gripped my heart with fear, lessened its grasp and my heart began to beat with fight rather than surrender. I could hear my inner voice echoing off the hills, knowing, just knowing that if I didn't toe that line and smash myself over the course, those surrendering words would live with me. I would have hidden from something I knew had the potential to break me. I had ran with some of the best runners in our sport, they were normal people, but held inner strength that most would never have the courage to call upon. And so, I realised,  its not the course I am scared of, its myself. Its my potential to push myself to the absolute limit. Its my ability to dig deep and then dig even further. Ive been there before, I know I can do it again. And this is exactly what this course needs. The profile may not suit my running completely, but it will suit my mental strength and competitive nature.

From the start of this running adventure I have had to constantly face my fears, coming back from baby one, purely running again not hiding behind a bike split, having another baby again, putting myself back on the start line. A body pretty battered from two babies, fear it wouldn't hold up to long distance running, it holding up. Every race, every session, diminishing that fear, shouting down that voice telling me I couldn't do this, I shouldn't do this.

And so every race, every result the fear isn't getting any smaller, but I  am learning to cope with him.  I am learning to talk to fear, to negotiate and to use my huge doubts to build my inner strength.

When race day comes, when I am up there all alone in the hills, legs burning, heart pumping, calves straining, Ill listen to that fear, Ill let it tell me I cant do this. 'You should be at home with the kids!' I'll show fear the hills, Ill show fear the air, the purity of running over trails and Ill use the fear to make me into the runner that fear does not want me to become.

So I wrote James another a message...it said 'Thanks for a great weekend. I cant wait to smash that course.'

Me and Fear we will do it together.

Wings for Life Run Race Report

http://www.redbull.com/en/stories/1331648995750/thrilling-finale-in-first-wings-for-life-world-run

Funny enough as I go on enough about not drinking water...spot me drinking water!!


"The scale was global, the ambition truly great and the party one to remember, as more than 35,000 people in 32 countries took part in the inaugural Wings for Life World Run in pursuit of a cure for spinal cord injury. " 

Final Global Results: Women’s race
1. Elise Molvik (NOR)/ ran in Norway 54.79km
2. Nathalie Vasseur (FRA) France 51.26
3. Svetlana Shepuleva (MD)/Turkey 48.29
4. Mfunzi Ntombesintu (RSA)/ South Africa 47.57
5. Lea Bäuscher (GER)/Germany 46.23
6. Haley Chura (USA)/USA 45.61
7. Joanna Zakrzewski (GBR)/UK 45.39
8. Edwina Sutton (GBR)/UK 45.38
9. Maria Lundgren (SWE)/Sweden 45.24
10. Daniela Ryf (SUI)/Switzerland 44.44

What a day! I had no idea of the global scale or the magnitude of this run, really until I had finished and friends were texting and calling saying we have been watching you running over the live feed it was so exciting!

I had been invited to this race by Simon Freeman of Freestak (http://www.freestak.com/). I was a little unsure about 'racing' as only a month after SDW50 and I like to have at least 10 days rest and then get back into training slowly after a race and let my family have some mum energy! But as my good buddies Robbie and Paul were going to be running and there was the offer of a hotel room the night before (like a pro, into room at 9pm, asleep by 9.01pm, up at 7.30am. BEST night of sleep for almost 4 years!) I couldn't resist. I replied to Simon that I would run and just see how far I got.

So I had a really solid week of training, 2 big hill sets and lots of good miles, so on Saturday when I volunteered to check the marking along the start of the Thames Path 100 I thought it would be great to stretch my legs out for 7-8 miles. I felt AWFUL, my legs were heavy, I couldnt get even near a 7min mile. Oh dear, this is going to be a disaster tomorrow, but just focus on the hotel room Eddie all will be ok. Paul very kindly drove us round the country whilst we checked the markings at various point of the Thames path and we eventually got to Silverstone around 7pm. Paul and Robbie instantly started channelling their  inner Jenson Button and Mark Webber whilst I gripped the back seat shouting 'I need a wee, Ive had 2 children, please stop swerving!!' We met up with Tracey Dean and Joasia Zakrzewski neither who I have met before, but Tracey is British Ultra Champion and Jo has finished 4th at Comrades (TWICE!) and 4th at the World Trail Championships last year, so illustrious company. We had a meagre buffet, the lady serving refusing to give us more than I would serve my 3 year old and then not allow us pudding as we had had a bowl of soup...I tried not to cry and went back to my room and gorged myself on a Torq energy bar.

The next morning we met up with Simon and Jules who looked after us so well and got us numbers, showed us where to go and took us for 'media' interviews. Us girls were very coy, both Tracey and Jo claiming they werent here to race, which truthfully they werent, I wasnt really, but I wasnt here for a jog either! We had to be at the start 30 mins before the race, it was cold, I suddenly realised there were 900 people behind us, a camera crew and a lot of motorbikes. This 'easy' long run just got serious. 

At 11am with the rest of the world we set off. I felt ok, in fact I felt pretty good. we completed a 5km lap of Silverstone, someone offered me a banana and red bull, I refused and oh how I dreamed of that snack at mile 23...I was running quite comfortably with 'Dennis' a motorbike rider. After 6 miles I asked Dennis if all the roads were closed. Yes he replied, its just you and me I'll look after you! I would have liked to have taken Dennis home. Every so often a camera crew would appear and film me for what felt like hours. A fun experience and I tried to look like a pro, till I had to ask them to go so I could go for a wee. 

The course was very undulating, hills were short, but sharp, but I felt ok. I had set myself a goal of getting to a marathon in 3hrs ish then seeing how I felt. All was fine till after 20km (when they predicted about 90% of the field would drop out) and though the roads were all closed there were no more water stops. It was a hot day. I asked where the next girl was, she is about half a mile behind, has she got a grey top on I asked? Thinking if it was Jo I would slow down and we could run together. Dennis duly went and looked and it was! I was delighted as I hadnt faniced another 15miles plus on my own and I had a feeling Jo could be coerced into running further than she had planned! So I jogged for a little and waited for Jo. Dennis was a bit put out that we were now going to chat the whole way round, but it was so brilliant to run with another girl and one with such a fine pedrigree. She taught me a lot, I quizzed her about her training (full time GP, managed the qualifying marathon time for the Commonwealth Games and had won the Scottish Ultra Championships the weekend before!). Due to the incessant chatting I didnt really notice that we hadnt had any water till I began to feel thirsty, really thirsty. At this point we started to see Robbie jogging ahead (big race next week, Ill only run for 90 mins, yeah, yeah , yeah ) He had covered quite a few decent miles with Paul. Robbie was onto it straight away stealing Dennis's packed lunch, asking everyone watching for water, water , water. He, being THE Robbie Britton, seemed to be able to source nourishment pretty quickly and we were able to quench some thirst and eat some crisps. But I feel the damage had been done, we had got to the marathon, I had covered 95 miles this week and I was done. i would have happily jogged it in from then, but Jo was keen to get the 3rd placed man ahead so we pushed on, with her and Robbie screaming at me to run harder. I have never wanted to punch two people more. But we overtook him and as we did the outriders for the car caught us. 'Its coming!' They were shouting, 1 mile away, ok I can do this, I can run for another mile, its 2km away, WTF?  You just said 1 mile, pleeeeeeease I want water, I want food, I want to lie down. Then we hit a hill. Jo literally became a woman possessed and skipped up it, I could hardly get my legs to bend. I worked super hard on the descent to catch her again and as we rounded the corner, the car, the DJs, the ambulances (yes please) caught us! As you can see from the video, I just wanted to lie in the hedge. Jo could have run on more I am sure.

http://live.wingsforlifeworldrun.com/en/videos

(click on GB link)

We did some super fun interviews and I felt like Paula Radcliffe for about 1 minute, till they all drove off and we were left to crawl into a minibus (not before an emotional goodbye to Dennis), drenched in sweat, exhausted and NO water. Fortunately, again, THE Robbie Britton pulled some water out of nowhere (I think it was the bus drivers lunch this time) and we followed the car to pick up the 2nd place male. After about 30 mins, the bus driver shouted 2nd place male has just been caught. Robbie and I lept out of the bus and embraced the sweatiest, saltiest Paul Navesey I have ever seen. He too was the most dehydrated man near Milton Keynes and we gathered him onto the fun bus and went back to Silverstone.

We met up with Tracey, Julie and Simon all who were super pleased with how far they had run. Julie looked after me so well getting some warm clothes and food. After a while we had the prize giving ceremony and I enjoyed getting over excited and spraying champagne mainly over myself not the boys and then getting paid back with spending the next 24hrs smelling like a brewery.  

Driving home and arriving back to my sleeping babies and a very tired husband felt quite surreal. What an AMAZING experience, to be able to run, far, for the greater good was such a thrill and something I would definitely like to do more of. Red Bull and the Wings for Life charity made Jo and I feel like superstars and we truly felt honoured that they appreciated how hard we had worked! 

Bit of a come down the next morning to be woken up being hit over the head with a car (toy not chaser, my kids arent that strong-yet) and having pancakes demanded at 6am. But thats what makes this part of my running journey so fantastic. I can go out and be the athlete and come home and be the mum. Just plain awesome.

Thanks to Simon, Jules, Jo, Tracey, Paul and Robbie for making the weekend so much fun. I couldnt ask to be in a better team than Centurion. Onwards to Lakeland 50 now. I wonder if Dennis will come and support?

Believing in my Body

I am just about to embark on 'serious' training for the Lakeland 50 at the end of July. This is the British Ultra Championships. Its a serious race with an elite field and over 9,000ft of climbing over 50 miles. I have spent the last few days creating horrendous training ideas to improve my strength both in ascending and descending. I am excited to get back in hard core, cant get legs to go upstairs, will just sleep on the sofa, kind of training. I learnt a lot from the SDW and am also really pleased that with my manic life I recovered quite quickly and am now back running fairly fluidly, just lacking a bit of bounce. You forget how fit you get in the few weeks leading up to a race and also how much damage and recovery time you need after smashing yourself for 50 miles. I ha vent pushed myself to run or train hard at all. I tend to use my energy/patience levels with the kids as a gauge, if I want to lock myself in the downstairs cupboard and hide by 7am I still need more rest!

So I want to get faster and I want to get stronger. I am a qualified running coach, triathlon coach and personal trainer. I have a sports degree, 12 years of teaching experience. I coach lots of people of different ages, abilities and dreams.  But, when it comes to coaching myself, I am too often unrealistic, unrespectful of my own personal life and asking the absolute maximum of myself. One of the things I began to think about was my power to weight ratio, whether if I lost half a stone the uphills would be slightly easier and running faster off the top even quicker? I mentioned it to my husband who immediately scorned the idea. Your weight is not the issue. Your power and strength is your talent. You need to look at fuelling your machine better, rather than how you are going to deprive it. (Those were not his words, his reply was far too rude to type, but it was along those lines!). Over the SDW I took a total of 4 gels, a packet of shot bloks and a piece of fruit loaf. That is not enough to fuel any machine. I know that. But it does show that my body and mind has an amazing capacity to work on fumes, but that's because I have trained it to work on fumes. This is going to be no use to me half way round the 50. I need to become in the words of James Elson 'a human dustbin.' So I'm working on it. Stuffing down more food when training, before training, after training. Teaching my gut to run whilst also digesting, rather than running till my gut cramps because it is hungry and empty.
Lakeland

I have had a love/hate relationship with my body all my life. My body has enabled me to do so many wonderful things, but so many times I have punished it for 'failing' me when things have not gone according to plan. At school I starved myself down to 6 stone from 9 stone in 4 months. I literally stopped eating when the pressure of being a high performing pupil and the demands placed upon me were too much. I was a shadow both physically and mentally of myself and it was only the distress I saw in my family that pulled me from the brink of what could have been life threatening. The determination I showed to make myself thin I then challenged into making myself better. I was appalled with the person I had become and didn't want the rest of my life to be governed by food. I went to university, became a small fish in a big pond and had a blissful three years surrounded by like minded sporty people, drank a lot of beer, probably put on 8 stone, but I was truly happy both inside and out and that I realised was what mattered. It took me a long time to feel 'normal' again and to see food as fuel and something to be enjoyed not avoided. So why think of this now 15 years down the line? Because after what I classed as a bit of a disappointing race at SDW 50 the first thing I thought about doing was losing some weight before my next race. OF COURSE I know this is not the answer. The first thing I should have thought was how am I going to get stronger (and beat Paul). But our modern minds seem to be channelled into thinking that thin is strong, that womens body's should show no ounce of muscle or fat. This is crazy, I know I should be proud of what my body is able to achieve. It has given me two wonderful (ahem) boys, endured hours and hours of training and racing. It rarely breaks down and asks for nothing. Yet I feel that I am somehow embarrassed by it shapes and wrinkles. That the scars from childbirth and nursing are somehow to be ashamed of. That the fact I cant fit my calves into any normal trousers or have any need for a bra should be hidden. So my first step to becoming a stronger and faster runner is to embrace my strength. Use my strengths to make me a more confident runner rather than someone who doubts their own ability.

So with my next 12 weeks of training my plan is based around lots of strength and power training. Running hills up and down, running slow, running fast, running technical terrain whilst simultaneously stuffing my mouth with cookies. Not listening to anyone or that little voice inside that tells me I am not good enough, but embracing what I have been given and loving running with a strong body and confident mind because no one must belief in yourself more than yourself.

10 Things I Learnt by Running 50 miles (or my SDW 50 mile race report)

1. Tapers can mean no running and that is OK. I didn't run for 2 weeks before the race. I was injured and sad, I was freaking out inside my head. But I tried to trust my training. I sent panic messages to my Centurion buddies. I cant walk let alone run! I visited the wonderful Simon Lamb (www.sixsecondshigh.com). Everyone said the same thing, calm down dear. I spoke to James Elson the day before the race, who said I know it will all be fine and it was. And as I collected my trophy from James he whispered to me, see 2 week no running tapers work! They do, but you have to be very strong mentally, not my forte, but a huge test for me and one I am pleased to have got through!

2. Pressure is a good and bad thing. A lot of were people talking about the race on twitter and facebook. I got nervous especially knowing that I had been sitting at home the last two weeks and was going to be running carrying a niggle. So I turned off Facebook and Twitter and felt much better. I made a plan. Life is always better with a plan. 1. Finish the race. 2. Win the race 3. Break the course record. 4. Enjoy the race, its what you love doing with the added bonus that every so often people appear, who you don't even know cheering your name and offering you snacks. 

Centurions biggest fan (after Rich)

3. Don't stress about the little things you cant change. If you have kids you aren't going to get the rest you need the days leading up to the race. I know this now and just don't get stressed over the fact that I haven't sat down for 48hrs (slight exaggeration) and am being woken up 4-10 times every night (no exaggeration). The night before the race I was battling with a 3 year old to get back into his bed at 2am and then up at 5am giving breakfast to the 1 year old. This could have stressed me out, but its my normal life and I remind myself that if it wasn't for these two little darlings I may not have the drive to be where I am today.

4. I love my great support team. My long suffering husband, who is my number one support in this campaign of mine to ruin myself over longer and harder distances. We spent the evenings before the race practising water fill ups at speed (hilarious for the neighbours) he was at every check point and he has picked up the pieces in the 48hrs post race apocalypse.  My big sister who had the kids on her own for 13 hrs. My wonderful neighbours and running club friends who came to Alfiriston where I knew I was going to struggle and then drove on to the finish to all cheer me on. The wonderful Centurion Team and volunteers who run such brilliant races and really do help ordinary people complete amazing feats. 

Very fast boys and me

5. Have a Kenyan Training pack (words of my Hero Paul Navesey http://ultrapaulo.wordpress.com/) or just train with people who are way better than you so you spend all the time sweating and swearing behind them. If you can put up with the pain, it does make you faster. I love training hard, it was perhaps to my detriment that I trained too hard on the long runs running harder than I needed, but it was a lot of fun and many happy memories of laughing over the South Downs,  mainly at Rich Ashton (who finished a very impressive 2nd place and is the funniest person I know http://icesnowfearandlaughter.blogspot.co.uk/)

6.  Know the course. I had run every inch of that course a number of times, Steyning Stinger marathon, Three Forts Marathon and three times with different combinations of really fast boys. I had even gone as far as to replicate the inclines and distance of the hills on treadmill sessions during school lunch breaks. You cant fault my drive. I knew where all the 'hard' sections were. perhaps this was to my detriment, I knew what was coming and spent the miles before  dreading it rather than concentrating on what I was actually doing. Lesson learnt.

Photo courtesy of Simon Hayward

7. When you feel rubbish after 15 miles don't be scared to keep your sunglasses on even though it may be slightly raining and foggy . I felt sluggish, my quads were already like blocks of wood, I couldn't maintain my target pace without trying too hard. So I put on my sunglasses. My sunglasses and I have been through a lot. We have trained and raced around the world together, they have collected more sweat than my lucky running knickers. They are my go to when I need to concentrate. I needed to concentrate on Saturday. My mind was full of, ow my foot hurts, I'm not going to finish this again, everyone is going to be so disappointed if I don't perform. I put the sunglasses on and went back to the plan. 1. Finish, 2. Win, 3. Break the course record. 4. Enjoy it and repeat

8. If I don't eat I lose my head. I didn't eat enough.  4 gels, 1 bar and 2-3 bottles of electrolyte. Once my blood glucose drops I lose the ability to rationalise the importance of eating and start to believe I am invincible. This is the time when I also drop off pace, start plodding, lose all competitive drive and want to lie down and die. My stomach kept cramping and I had to keep stopping, I thought if I didn't eat I could just hold it together for the last 10 miles, I feared if I put anything into my stomach I would end up in a bush for a long time. Instead I ended up throwing up for the next 12hrs and not drinking or eating anything till lunchtime the next day. Crash and burn. Not pretty and wont be repeated. 

9. Eddie when things really hurt and you really cant wait to see that blue banner, remember why you are doing this. Because you love running. Because you love the people you meet when running. Because it inspires other to go out and challenge their horizons. Because at home are two little boys who are waiting for your medal and to put their arms around you and say 'Well done Mummy, can we watch cartoons now?' Because by reaching to the depths of your reserves you realise you are not even touching your limits of endurance.

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10. Belief. Believe and you will achieve. James, Paul and Bryn kept telling me to belief in my training not only in the lead up to the race, but during the race too. Belief, I had written on my hand. And during the race I did nothing but doubt myself, doubt my body and doubt my mind. I am disappointed that I let all the fear of failure and pressure seep into my strength. But on reflection I can and will learn so much from this race. 

Courtesy of Drew Sheffield, who I have never been so happy to see,!

And now it is all done I'll sit back, reflect, enjoy and plan to come back again, stronger, tougher, faster and definitely wiser. I learnt a lot about myself over those 50 miles. Mostly I learnt that when things don't go right in the lead up to the race, in the race and post race always go back to why you started the journey in the first place. Always go back to the reason you run and above all always believe in yourself.